Near Death Experience

Ever since I was young, I liked to make people laugh. Psychiatrists say funny people compensate for their low self-esteem through humor. I don't but that. Can't confident people be funny? And never once has a depressed person made me laugh.

Not that I'm saying depressed people are boring or anything, it's just hard to laugh when someone tells you that their girlfriend broke up with them and their planning to hang themselves tonight. Now, do you laugh when you hear that? No, I don't think so. Awkward laugh maybe, but that doesn't count as a laugh. 

So I guess my point is, you don't have to be depressed to be funny.

A few years back, I pretended I broke my arm in front of the whole class. Partly because it entertained me, partly because it entertained my friends, and mostly because I didn't want to write an essay. Chinese essay, of course. Figures.

So yeah. I'm lame to the point where I do stuff like that. Constantly.

Little did I know though, this would cause my almost death.

A few years ago, I was at a friend's birthday party. I was talking and stuff, when suddenly I choked on a piece of cake. I don't know how I could have possibly choke on the cake, because I remembered it being spongy.

And delicious..
And chocolate-y..
And oh so creamy..
And the texture was lighter then air.
Mmhhmmm~

Oh wait.

My point is, no one chokes on spongy things.

And it wasn't the kind of choke that made your food come out through your nose.

Im freeeee~

It wasn't the kind of choke that made you cough a couple of times followed by the food flying out of your mouth.

I'm freee tooooo~coming to join you brudder!

It wasn't even the kind of choke where you coughed so much, and so hard, your face turned red and everyone was looking at you.

I refuse to come out! heheee!

No. It wasn't any of those.

It was of the most dangerous, lethal, life-threatening, death-causing kind. Not joking. The cake somehow got lodge in my oesophagus and refused to move, blocking all oxygen entrance and any chance of survival. I was coughing and coughing and grabbing at my throat.

I could hear the oxygen molecules say:

'And now for the traffic update. There is a major congestion along the kilometer-52 Oesophagus highway believe to be caused by a large, spongy piece of cake, blocking all major exits. Sources say that this is the result of careless eating and the traffic should remain at a hold-still for at least a few more hours.'

But seriously, I really, really couldn't breathe. And I couldn't even shout for help because I couldn't even take in ONE breath of air. And my throat hurt so bad. I had never been more afraid in my whole life. I seriously thought I was going to die!

I tried looking at my friends to tell them of my impending death, but to my horror, they were all laughing at me. Like, LAUGHING.

And I was like,
No! NO! This is not a joke! I'm dying!

I realized the seriousness of the situation. Something must be done. Something. Anything!

Miraculously, I somehow managed to muster up all of my strength, use all my remaining oxygen, suck up the pain, and I managed to shout, Help Me!

When it comes to life preservation, your body does stuff that seems humanly impossible. The human body is just weird like that.

But anyway, the shout ended up sounding more like a squeak. Exactly like the Alvin and the chipmunk cartoon. Imagine them saying:
'Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee~'

But at least I was saved. My friends knew I was dying. When after a few seconds, still no one came to my rescue, I looked up. And to my horror, they were laughing HARDER! And I was like, what the hell?

Well, as I said before, the human body is very good at life preservation. So somehow, a few painful minutes later, I managed to swallow the cake...all by myself...with no help...single-handedly.

By the time I had swallowed it, I was having cold sweats from my near-death encounter. My fingers were so tightly clutched around the edge of the table that my knuckles had turned white. My legs were trembling and wouldn't move when I told them to.

I was like, move legs!

And they were like, No!

This was exactly why the story of  'the-boy-who-cried-wolf' was made.

But if stunts like that get me out of doing essays, I'm so going to repeat it and not regret my actions.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Be funny at your own risk.

The end.