How I successfully ruin my diet every time

I love food. Sigh. If only I could eat 10 meals a day and not gain a kilo. That would be a freaking dream come true. So what do I do? Like all fat people, I lie to myself by saying I'm going on a diet.

I really envy people like Maegan who don't eat at all!

Joking Maegan. I have seen you eating before..

...once.

Again, I'm joking.

Lately though, I've noticed a recurring pattern on how my diet fails. It goes like this:


Pattern of failure of Diet.


1) I am unaware of any desire for food.
It all starts off like this. I might be lazing on a couch, watching television, studying (rare though), etc. I am unaware of any desire for food. I am perfectly content with being skinny and having nothing in my stomach.

2) Desire for food registers.

Something feels wrong. I feel unnatural and it is stressing me out. An image of some random foodstuff pops up in my brain. In this case, it is ice-cream.

3) Fall into hypnosis.
This stage is the most dangerous of all. The foods turn evil and start hypnotizing me. I am unable to resist...it is too powerful! Only the strongest of brains are able block out its powers. Woe to you oh evil food!

4) Registeration.

My brain succumbs to the evil powers of food. It then sends signals to the stomach commanding food immediately. 

5) Journey to Kitchen.

Now, I haul my lazy ass off the couch and start following the foods towards the kitchen like a zombie. All the while drooling and saying, must have food...must have food....

6) Decisions decisions decisions.

I enter the kitchen and realize that my mum has just come back from a very successful journey from Tesco. Foods are lying all over the place! Wafers, chocolate bars, crackers, cakes, you name it!

7) Strategy.

Where to start? Do I open the fridge or attack whatever is on the table? For the beginners, let me give you an important lesson. Strategy is important! It guarantees maximum food intake. 

I realize this ends really suddenly. It is actually unfinished. I'll update later. Too tired! drawing takes the mickey outta me.