How I successfully ruin my diet every time

I love food. Sigh. If only I could eat 10 meals a day and not gain a kilo. That would be a freaking dream come true. So what do I do? Like all fat people, I lie to myself by saying I'm going on a diet.

I really envy people like Maegan who don't eat at all!

Joking Maegan. I have seen you eating before..

...once.

Again, I'm joking.

Lately though, I've noticed a recurring pattern on how my diet fails. It goes like this:


Pattern of failure of Diet.


1) I am unaware of any desire for food.
It all starts off like this. I might be lazing on a couch, watching television, studying (rare though), etc. I am unaware of any desire for food. I am perfectly content with being skinny and having nothing in my stomach.

2) Desire for food registers.

Something feels wrong. I feel unnatural and it is stressing me out. An image of some random foodstuff pops up in my brain. In this case, it is ice-cream.

3) Fall into hypnosis.
This stage is the most dangerous of all. The foods turn evil and start hypnotizing me. I am unable to resist...it is too powerful! Only the strongest of brains are able block out its powers. Woe to you oh evil food!

4) Registeration.

My brain succumbs to the evil powers of food. It then sends signals to the stomach commanding food immediately. 

5) Journey to Kitchen.

Now, I haul my lazy ass off the couch and start following the foods towards the kitchen like a zombie. All the while drooling and saying, must have food...must have food....

6) Decisions decisions decisions.

I enter the kitchen and realize that my mum has just come back from a very successful journey from Tesco. Foods are lying all over the place! Wafers, chocolate bars, crackers, cakes, you name it!

7) Strategy.

Where to start? Do I open the fridge or attack whatever is on the table? For the beginners, let me give you an important lesson. Strategy is important! It guarantees maximum food intake. 

I realize this ends really suddenly. It is actually unfinished. I'll update later. Too tired! drawing takes the mickey outta me.

Weird Dream

  So I had a dream. I dreamt that I woke up in the middle of the night. And then for some weird reason, I went to open the fridge. (Is my dream trying to tell me I'm fat?!)

  Anyway, I go to the kitchen. (Because my fridge is in the kitchen. Duh. Who puts their kitchen in the living room?) Then I walk towards the fridge. But even though I have walked for a long time, I can't reach it. So I start to run. I run and run. The fridge gets a little bit closer. I don't know why I want to open the fridge so badly. All I can remember feeling is that I MUST open the fridge. So I run faster and faster. And finally, the fridge gets nearer and nearer. Finally I reach it.

 I put my hand on the handle. Then I stand there and I think: Should I? What if there's something frightening in the fridge? It's in the middle of the night, and I didn't even on any lights.

  But the feeling inside my body just grew stronger. It said: Open the fridge. Open it. Open it NOW!


  It grew so strong that I just had to give in. And so I did.

  I opened the door, and I opened it slowly. The door made a creaking sound. (I don't know why it does. The fridge is new.) The light from the fridge lights up, giving the contents of the fridge a spooky glow. Dramatic music starts playing in the background. Then, cautiously, slowly, carefully, I look inside.

  And nothing could prepare me for it's contents. I got the shock of my life.

  (Before reading on, RELAX. It's not a nightmare. I actually thought I was going to have one while dreaming it myself.)

  The inside of the fridge, was filled with..CHOCOLATES! So filled up that you couldn't even stuff one more thing inside it. And every chocolate I have ever eaten in my life was inside that fridge. Seriously. There were

KITKATs TIMEOUTs CRUNCHYs PICNICs ANDES' TOBLERONEs CADBURYs CLOUDNINEs HERSHEY's BERYLs ZIPBARs! MARSBARs! TWIXBARs! GODIVAs EASTEREGGs NESTLEs...

  I'm telling you...it was beautiful. And no...this is not the weird part. Wanna know what the weird part is? Wait for it...Wait for it...


 In the middle of all those chocolates..there was...

  AN ONION

  Explain, anyone?