For the pain of a never again

My dear old friend, take me for a spin;
two wolves in the dark, last run in the wind;
As the moonlight hit, streaming through the silent trees;
Stare each other down, even, steady breeze.

Break the stare, close your eyes now,
Let it feel, course through one last time;
Hold your breath, brace yourself now;
For the pain and a silent cry

____________________________________________________

Saying goodbye to an old friend is difficult, hardest part being the last sigh that follows the pain of a never again. I've had to bid farewell to the greatest of friends over the course of my (modestly short) lifetime and they have all been soul rippingly painful, but saying goodbye to self-protection, my oldest, dearest friend and the only thing I've ever learned to depend on...that is something else altogether. That is literally my soul ripped apart.

It might seem ironic that I refuse to let go of something that's hurting me, but my old friend has been nothing but protective, aggressively watching over me, zealously jealous in keeping me alive. I'm thankful for all that its done, I might not have survived otherwise. No one else, it seemed, would've done that for me. But you see, in surviving I stopped thriving. And that's no way to live, no way at all. That is the irony of self-protection. In protecting yourself, you lose yourself.

And that is my problem, I fight. To a fault, I fight. I say this not out of pride, but to my shame. While it might have been needed before, I stopped needing it the moment I befriended a Victor who told me I was no longer a victim. A Warrior who is mighty to save. A Lord who all but told me I need only be still. And for a season, out of awe, I did stop fighting. But then the past caught up with the present, and the present forgot the past. What's already been done. What's already been fought. What's already been won.

For the first time in my life, I realize how terrifying it is to actually let go of the only thing I've ever depended on. I resist, knowing full well I'm stubbornly not letting God touch the pain. Why won't I let God touch the pain? Who knows. Who can understand the heart? I need to let it go. Fully and completely. I need to learn how to trust. I need to learn how to jump. I need to learn how to fall.

But first, I need a moment to say goodbye to my old friend, and heave one last sigh for the pain of a never again.