WARNING: NO CUTE PICTURES IN THIS ANGST-FILLED AND PROBABLY GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT POST
You know how when we're lazy, and our parents and teachers will lecture us and say 'You all don't understand how nice it is to be studying, just wait till you come out and work. Yada yada yada.'
Well as it turns out, they're actually right (don't you hate it when that happens?). This is my 5th month of not studying now and you have no idea how much I miss it.
I miss procrastinating. I miss last minute cramming. I miss sleeping late at night. I miss waking up the next morning at 6am and regretting that I slept so late the last night. I miss being late for school and classes. I miss the homework and assignments. I miss being reprimanded by teachers. I miss skipping classes to do crazy shit. I miss daydreaming. I miss gossiping about our teachers and lecturers. I miss memorizing useless stuff that I'll never be needing again.
But above all I miss my friends. All of them. Even the annoying ones. Because at least they add color into my life.
Now in the office, I barely talk anymore. Everyone here is at least 8 years older than me, and they're always off on their lunch breaks with each other talking about what 30 year olds talk about. The interns that were here previously had already left in March. My bosses are workaholics, and the only conversation I have with them is about work.
For example:
'Hey April, scan this document and email it to me.'
'Okay.'
That's an example of a GOOD day. Documents aren't required to be scanned everyday. On days where there are no documents to scan, I just sit alone, all day and NOT talk. At 9:30 I enter the office, I sit at my desk. I work till 12:30. I go for my lunch break ALONE. I come back at 1:30 and work till 6:30. Then I go back home, to an empty house.
Do you comprehend how miserable I am now? Do you now understand why I miss all those things about school?
I wouldn't mind bearing this torture if I had nothing else on my plate, but as it turns out, my plate is filled with other stuff that a normal 20 year old shouldn't have to worry about.
Don't even get me started on money. Picture this: There's this opportunity, a shining, golden orb that just RADIATES opportunity. And all you have to do was go to that orb thing-y and study there for 2 years, and by the time you came out, your graduation cert would be so widely known and recognized that getting a job with a ridiculously high salary would be no problem at all.
BUT (there's always a but in life), you had to pay to get into the orb. You had to pay A LOT to get into the orb. That's where the problem comes in. Your family just cannot afford the freaking ass ridiculous fees, so the only way to the orb is a scholarship. BUT (there's the but again), only ONE scholarship out of the many, many, many other scholarships out there were applicable to you. Just because you chose something other than engineering or finance. So basically, your entire future, life, career, was to be affected by the decision of this one, single scholarship.
Guys, the orb I was talking about? It's a university. Don't feel bad if you didn't get the hint, I can be overly subtle at times. Anyway, to cut a long crappy story short, if I don't get this scholarship, then the orb is as good as dead to me. As of now, I'm just anxiously waiting day and night for that one single e-mail or that one single phone call telling me I got shortlisted. At least then I have a chance, you know? If not, then I'll have to say bye bye to the expensive orb. See, this is why I said not to get me started on money.
I'm also working two jobs now, one as the miserable intern who has her lunch breaks alone, and another as a freelance article writer. The up side is I don't have to take money from my mum anymore (because she has to pay for the other less expensive orbs and I feel bad for that so I'm trying to support myself). The down side is I'm so freaking tired, every day. Even after I wake up, it's like I never slept at all. The deadlines haunt me, the keyboard mocks me, the tasks daunt me. No, I'm not being overly dramatic, this is, in fact, how I feel.
To add onto everything else! Breaking up is a serious pain in the ass. If I at least had you in my life, then things wouldn't seem so hard. At least there was you to put my life into perspective and get me through the day. BUT NO, of course everything had to hit me all at once. Now I have to go about my day with no one to tell all the little things in my life to, things that other people wouldn't care about, but things that I would tell you anyway.
The only person who was willing to sit through my rants, my tantrums, my ups and downs, my everything, is now gone, ladies and gentlemen. The wall of trust that took nearly a year to break down is now up and stronger than ever. I mean, would I ever allow someone to eat my food again? I hate sharing food, but with you I made an exception. I wasn't mad when you ate my food, even when you took a huge bite...or two huge bites...or even three. More than 3 I would tell you to buzz off and buy your own food, but I was willing to sacrifice UP TO THREE bites. Three HUGE bites. That's saying something for someone who hates sharing food.
But you're gone now.
It's for the best anyway, and I don't love you anymore, but I miss you (if that makes sense?). I just wished that we could at least be friends. But I guess there's a reason why exes aren't friends, because how does one make the transition? It's impossible.
So is this what 20 year olds go through? Is this what we have to suffer in exchange for legal entrance into casinos and the right to UBAH UBAH? If the answer is yes, then someone please rewind the clock. I want to go back to high school. Ahh, simple times, where my biggest problem was not being able to copy homework in time.
Thank God I still have my friends, and they just about stop me from killing myself (I kid of course, I would never kill myself. I'm way too cowardly). Sorry for being so whiny, and if you actually made it to the end of this post, I hereby award you with a Warrior badge.
Sekian, terima kasih.
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