Rat

I'm angry right now! Or sad. Or desperate. I don't know ok?!

Before you think that I'm going through a break up or something, please know that I'm talking about a rat. Yes, a rat. And no, I'm not dating this rat. It's just a rat that suddenly appeared in our house a month ago. And it just pops in and out as it pleases.

My mum is like, freaking terrified of rats. Like, seriously. She'll just scream and scream and scream when she sees a rat. Any rat, anywhere. Even at hawker centres, when a rat runs by like ten tables away, she'll start screaming. And then I'll look away and pretend I don't know what's happening.

Yes, it's the real deal my mum's fear of rats. Apparently, the fear of rats is known as Musophobia. Nice word, no? It suits the fear.

So anyway, my mum went on and on and on about this rat. Every single day since the rat appeared she has to talk about it at least once.

Everyday she'd be like, 'Yorr, girl ah, what to do?'


Then I'll be like, 'What? Catch it lah. I say so many times already.'


And she'll be like, 'I dare not catch it! I dare not take away the cage!'


And then I'll be like, 'I take lah. I said SO many times already.'


And she'll be all, 'Really? You say one har?'


And I'll be like, 'YES. I said SO MANY TIMES ALREADY!!!'


And then she'll say, 'Aiyah, don't want lah, don't want lah. So disgusting.'


And then I'll be all, 'Suak. After the rat reproduce and give birth to a million baby rats don't come and find me.'


And she'll be like, 'Yerr..girl ah! Why you like that one!'


But the next day, when she finds out the rat ate her potato/bread/banana or whatever, the whole conversation would be repeated all over again.

And I have no idea why people can be so afraid of rats. Like my mum, she's not afraid of cats but she's afraid of rats. I mean, why? If you're afraid of animals in general then I understand. But this is just so weird.

If you think about it, cats are actually bigger than rats. And cats don't run when they see you. In fact, they come closer if they think there's a chance for free food.

Rats on the other hand, run even when they hear a remotely human-like sounding activity. And they take your food quietly in the middle of the night. It doesn't kacau you at all.

Yes, yes. I know rats are dirty. They carry diseases and stuff. They bite through your electricity cables. And they bite through your rubbish bag. And they steal your food. And cats clean themselves. And they don't carry diseases. And at least they don't steal food, they beg for food. And they kill rats.

Anyway, my mum finally gave in one day. She bought a rat trap...and rat poison to go with it. I've never seen rat poison before. I thought rat poison was a liquid or soultion. And then you put it on the food that the rat is supposed to eat. But it's not like that at all!

It's a little pink roundish thing, and the rat is supposed to eat it. After eating it, the rat is supposed to feel like, super thirsty or something and go drink water. When it drinks the water, the water is supposed to have a chemical reaction of some sort with the rat poison, and the rat dies.

You know what the weird thing is? My mum does not even dare to touch the rat trap. Sweat, right? I had to put that smelly dried sotong on the hook of the cage.







Something like that. When it bites the sotong, which is hooked on to a wire, the spring will be activated and the door will close.

My mum went on full offence. She set the trap and put rat poison everywhere.

The first few nights the rat didn't bite the bait. My mum started thinking that maybe my neighbour's crazy theory was true. This 'theory', so called, is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Look at it.

Crazy theory: Rats understand human language and therefore knows of your plan to catch it. Hence, it does not fall for traps.

Chinese superstitions are weirddddd.

Anyway, this morning on the 4th day of Operation: Rat Trap, I was rudely awaken by my mum yelling,

'Girl! Girl! The rat! The rat! It's in the trap! It's just sitting there! Faster come and take it awayyyyy!'


I rolled out of bed and went to the trap. Oh and poor rat. It was trying so hard to escape! Biting the walls, sniffing everywhere. It didn't even finish the sotong. It was too scared to eat maybe?

So I went and pick it up. And he/she/it was so pitiful. It looked at me with those eyes.

And that's when something occured to me. I asked my mum,

'What are you going to do with the rat?'


'Kill it, of course!!'


'How?'


'By pouring hot water on it.'


'WHAT?! NO! That's so cruel!!'


'Got what other ways? It's better than leaving it under the sun to be scorched to death.'


'Don't like that lah! It's so inhumane! It didn't even do anything wrong!'


'What? It ate our food!'


'Of course lah, it eats to survive ma! Not its fault!'


'Then what do you suggest we do to it?'


'Take it to a dumpster far away or something?'


'No! It will run back to our house!'


'Oh yeah. Right. I leave it in a dumpster full of food and the first thing it thinks of is to run right back to our house. Even Chihuahua's aren't that stupid'


'And how are we supposed to take it to this 'far away dumpster'? Put in in MY car? NO!'


'Then at least poison it or something lah. Don't use hot water. That's just so wrong. I caught the rat! I get to decide how it dies!'


'Fine. Take it outside. If within one day it doesn't die, I'm using the hot water.'


So I took it outside. Poor rat. I popped in a few of those rat poison things. After half an hour, I went out to check if it ate the poison. It didn't touch any of them! It was still trying to escape. Poor thing. I'm beginning to worry for the rat.

I had no other choice. I gave crazy neighbour's theory a chance and I talked to the rat.

'Uhm hello? Hi there, rat. Listen, you have to eat these pretty pink things. It's good for you. You'd die peacefully like that. It's better than dying by hot water. I've heard that's quiet painful. Don't believe me? Ask your dead ancestors.'


'Don't kill me! I have 40 children to feed! I won't ever come to your house again, please! Is there no other method that does not end in my death?'


'I am sorry, rat.'


No, the rat did not actually reply me. But I think that was what it was saying. I hope it understood what I said.  I'm doubtful though. Just to be on the safe side, I googled:

HOW TO KILL A RAT HUMANELY 

This was what I found.

Cervical dislocation: Place the rat on its belly. Get a slim object to put pressure on the rats neck. Hold it by the tail, and pull back. You should here a ripping/breaking noise. 

(What the hell? This is not humane AT ALL!)

Projectile: Shoot the rat. (Ideally with a bb gun.) However there will be blood. So clean well. 

(Ewwww!)

Asphyxiation: Get an airtight plastic container. Get a small cup with baking soda and vinegar. Place the rat in the container. Pour the baking soda and vinegar into the cup and put that in the container. Close the lid. The rat should eventually pass out and painlessly die. this is the single most humane way to kill the rat. 

(This actually seems okay. I hope we have vinegar and baking soda in the house!)

I really wish there was some other way that involves not killing the rat. But it seems like there aren't. So say goodbye to your friends and family, rat. =(


Any ideas?!

Random words of wisdom.

You know, I'm 17. I have gathered much knowledge during that time. I have LOTS of interesting wisdom quotes, and I would like to share it with you. Unfortunately though, I don't jot them down. So yeah, I can't actually remember any of them. My bad. But don't worry, I won't disappoint you. I'll come up with one right now.

See how legit my advice is? Do you trust me now? Now my second advice to you is:

DO NOT EAT CHOCOALTE CHIPS OFF THE FLOOR

This is an important one! Do not eat chocolate chips off the floor. And I'm serious. I don't joke. In fact, I never joke. I know it's delicious and all, and you don't want it to go to waste, but seriously. To ground this piece of wisdom into you, I'm gonna repeat it again.


DO NOT eat chocolate chips...
or chocolate cookie crumbs...
or oreo crumbs...
or any other brownish/black looking thing off the floor.

I'll explain.

Say you're eating an especially awesome tasting Oreo. (Pfft..what am I saying? All Oreos are equally awesome.) Suddenly, the cookie drops and crumbs are all over the floor. Maybe it slipped from your hand, maybe a gust of wind came by and blew the cookie onto the floor, maybe you misjudged your biting strength and the oreo just flew away from the sheer force.

Well whatever the reason, crumbs are all over the place. It'd be such a mess to clean and you don't want to let the Oreos go to waste. What do you do? I'm thinking most of us would probably get down on the floor and start eating the crumbs, right?

I mean, the floor's clean. It's your own house dude.

So imagine yourself locating all the crumbs and picking up all the crumbs and eating all the crumbs. And you'd be like, 'Oh, there's another one...and another one...and another one...damn, how much did I drop?'

But here my friend, is where things can go horribly wrong. Look at what happens.

Yeah, I spell crumbzzzz with the z's. I'm just gangstah like that. 

Following the cookie trail like a treasure hunt

end of trial?

Apparently not.

Continuing the trial. 

See what I mean?

Now there are two groups of people in the world.

One group eats stuff that has fallen on the floor.

The other group says, 'Ewww, you eat stuff that has fallen on the floor?!'

Now, the first group can be further divided into sub-categories. One eats stuff that has fallen off the floor depending on where it has fallen. The other eats the stuff no matter where it lands. To this group, I salute you. Take a look at this chart to get a clearer picture.

Note: I'm sorry the picture couldn't go any larger. I was so bummed. It took me so long to do and then I just couldn't enlarge it. I tried scaling it and stuff but it just got all pixelated. Bummer. =(

So anyway, if you have superhuman eyesight, you can try looking at it. I have to warn you, it's lame.

Near Death Experience

Ever since I was young, I liked to make people laugh. Psychiatrists say funny people compensate for their low self-esteem through humor. I don't but that. Can't confident people be funny? And never once has a depressed person made me laugh.

Not that I'm saying depressed people are boring or anything, it's just hard to laugh when someone tells you that their girlfriend broke up with them and their planning to hang themselves tonight. Now, do you laugh when you hear that? No, I don't think so. Awkward laugh maybe, but that doesn't count as a laugh. 

So I guess my point is, you don't have to be depressed to be funny.

A few years back, I pretended I broke my arm in front of the whole class. Partly because it entertained me, partly because it entertained my friends, and mostly because I didn't want to write an essay. Chinese essay, of course. Figures.

So yeah. I'm lame to the point where I do stuff like that. Constantly.

Little did I know though, this would cause my almost death.

A few years ago, I was at a friend's birthday party. I was talking and stuff, when suddenly I choked on a piece of cake. I don't know how I could have possibly choke on the cake, because I remembered it being spongy.

And delicious..
And chocolate-y..
And oh so creamy..
And the texture was lighter then air.
Mmhhmmm~

Oh wait.

My point is, no one chokes on spongy things.

And it wasn't the kind of choke that made your food come out through your nose.

Im freeeee~

It wasn't the kind of choke that made you cough a couple of times followed by the food flying out of your mouth.

I'm freee tooooo~coming to join you brudder!

It wasn't even the kind of choke where you coughed so much, and so hard, your face turned red and everyone was looking at you.

I refuse to come out! heheee!

No. It wasn't any of those.

It was of the most dangerous, lethal, life-threatening, death-causing kind. Not joking. The cake somehow got lodge in my oesophagus and refused to move, blocking all oxygen entrance and any chance of survival. I was coughing and coughing and grabbing at my throat.

I could hear the oxygen molecules say:

'And now for the traffic update. There is a major congestion along the kilometer-52 Oesophagus highway believe to be caused by a large, spongy piece of cake, blocking all major exits. Sources say that this is the result of careless eating and the traffic should remain at a hold-still for at least a few more hours.'

But seriously, I really, really couldn't breathe. And I couldn't even shout for help because I couldn't even take in ONE breath of air. And my throat hurt so bad. I had never been more afraid in my whole life. I seriously thought I was going to die!

I tried looking at my friends to tell them of my impending death, but to my horror, they were all laughing at me. Like, LAUGHING.

And I was like,
No! NO! This is not a joke! I'm dying!

I realized the seriousness of the situation. Something must be done. Something. Anything!

Miraculously, I somehow managed to muster up all of my strength, use all my remaining oxygen, suck up the pain, and I managed to shout, Help Me!

When it comes to life preservation, your body does stuff that seems humanly impossible. The human body is just weird like that.

But anyway, the shout ended up sounding more like a squeak. Exactly like the Alvin and the chipmunk cartoon. Imagine them saying:
'Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee~'

But at least I was saved. My friends knew I was dying. When after a few seconds, still no one came to my rescue, I looked up. And to my horror, they were laughing HARDER! And I was like, what the hell?

Well, as I said before, the human body is very good at life preservation. So somehow, a few painful minutes later, I managed to swallow the cake...all by myself...with no help...single-handedly.

By the time I had swallowed it, I was having cold sweats from my near-death encounter. My fingers were so tightly clutched around the edge of the table that my knuckles had turned white. My legs were trembling and wouldn't move when I told them to.

I was like, move legs!

And they were like, No!

This was exactly why the story of  'the-boy-who-cried-wolf' was made.

But if stunts like that get me out of doing essays, I'm so going to repeat it and not regret my actions.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Be funny at your own risk.

The end.

Motherfishing Instructor!!!

Last Saturday, I went nervously to Sepakat driving school for my QTI. It's a pre-test before the actual JPJ thing. Everyone keeps telling me it's no big deal, but still. You gotta pass this before you can take the JPJ test. So anyway...I went there and waited for like, an hour before there were any free instructors. I watched Anastatia and half of Legally Blonde on the TV there. (By the way, Legally Blonde is soooo stupid. Not in a good way.) Yes, that's how long I waited. I waited for one and a half movies. And then, I see my agent coming over to tell me who my instructor for QTI is. And I thought to myself:

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, please please please DON'T let it be Ah Yeow! 


Allow me to Flashback for a moment here to let you truly understand my pain.

Everyone has to pass Undang. After that, there's another 3hour talk, and a 3 hour orientation. The orientation part, an instructor from Sepakat is supposed to introduce you to parts of the car, you know, like:

Those are pedals near your feet.
Those are windows on the door. 
That is a cockroach on the backseat. 


And then, he's supposed to teach you how to press the pedals and let you drive around the compound for a bit.

Much to my extreme unluckiness, I got AH YEOW. This disgusting rat is the laziest thing on earth. I'm not even going to refer to him as being human. No positive comments about IT will be tolerated in this blog!

So anyway, the thing didn't teach me anything. Just told me to start the engine, then drive around. The thing didn't even explain all the pedals to me. The thing just said,

Now press the left pedal. Now press the middle pedal. Now press the right pedal.

Then, after 45 minutes of driving around, the thing said,


good. Now go and wait out the rest of the 2hours and 15minutes. 


I tell you, I was fuming. There is this system at the centre where you can't clock out before your 3hours is up. So I just sat there and waited! Ergghh. That seriously pissed me off.

Back to the story.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, please please please DON'T let it be Ah Yeow! 


Then my agent reached where I was sitting.

Your instructor for today will be Ah Yeow. 


And I was like, oh gawd...


Ugh. I was groaning to myself. Then the thing said,

OK. Let's get your thumb print and we can start this thing.


5minutes later, still very nervous I must say, I was in the car. Checking my seatbelt and mirrors and all the other mandatory stuff. The thing was impatient. And the thing said,

Aiya, no need la. Just start the car and let's go. 


And I was like, whaaat? I mean, you'll fail if you don't do this during the test. But anyway, nervously, I started the car. And I went into first gear, and off we went! The thing told me to take route F. Futher along the way, I realized that there was a little problem with the gearbox. It wouldn't change smoothly and sometimes the gear stick would get stuck. Ahh! I was so nervous, I thought I was going to fail because of this. I quickly glanced towards the thing, and to my horror, he was holding my form in one hand, and a scissors in the other.

.the objects in the thing's hands

And I thought to myself,

Oh no! Was I so bad that he's going to cut up my form and told me I failed? Was I going to Fail?!!

And to my intense intense intense intense intense shock and horror, (really, there are no words to describe this):

the thing shoved the scissors UP HIS NOSE AND STARTED TRIMMING HIS NOSE HAIR. 

AND HE USED MY FORM TO COLLECT THE FALLING HAIR! EWWWWWWW. 

Indeed, I was so shocked and disgusted that my car swerved and I almost hit a monkey. 

The thing took no notice of this, and continued on with the disgusting, unsanitary act. I was no longer nervous at this point. In fact, when I told Wei Ling about this, she said I should have braked the car suddenly and let him cut his nose.

It doesn't end there. After finishing, he swept the hair from the paper ONTO MY FEET! Well, not exactly onto my feet, just towards my side of the car. Near the gearbox, which is, technically, MY FEET! What the hell is wrong with this guy?! I mean, come on! The window was open, throw it outside! Is that so hard? In fact, you don't even have to sweep it away, just let the wind blow it! Let mother nature take it's course. Maybe it will fall on some soil and grow nose hair trees or something. Bleh.

After that disgusting spectacle, the thing put the scissors down. Phew! Aah..but good things don't last long, do they? Directly after putting down the scissors, he picked up his tweezers, looked into the rearview mirror, and started PLUCKING AT HIS BEARD! 

Why?! Why can't he do these things at home? Seriously, what's wrong with him?!

After that was done, he started DIGGING HIS NOSE! EWWW. Some more he dig until so syok. He was really enjoying it. The whole finger actually entered into his nose. And then can see him digging up, digging down, digging left, digging right. Turning circles also got. Grosss. After that, he pulled out the mother of all boogers! It was HUGE!

.disgusting!!! UGH!!

Then the thing looked at it for awhile, as if admiring it. Then he tiack-ed it out of the window. THANK GOD!! Considering his tendencies to leave his 'products' at MY side of the car, I had one horrible moment where I could imagine he wanted to flick it towards the gearbox, mis-aimed, and it landed on my face instead. *shudders* 

And oh yes, how could I forget this! He took of his shoes during the whole time. The moment he took of his shoes...

HWAH!!

I thought I was going to die in there! I was trembling from the smell. Seriously. I closed my eyes and quickly exhaled out all the stink from my nose before it could reach my brain and cause Brain cancer. Thank goodness the window was open. I turn towards the right, literally stuck my head out of the window, and took in a big whiff of oxygen. I took in as much as I can. I can't be sticking my head out of the window every few seconds. Who knows when my next breath of fresh air will be?

Considering all the factors, the nose hair, the boogers, the stinky feet. It was a miracle I passed this thing. The gearbox PALES in comparison.  

Haih. I just wanted my liscence man. =(

THE END